Stress magnified.
５月７日（火）Dzien zw.okr.Wielkanocnym
・18:46
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Music o' the Entry: "Negati", God Module
NOTE: If one of my readers sent me that Send-A-Crush thing, I have no clue who you are and will not guess. If you really want me to, give me a hint or something, but otherwise I'm totally lost. Just thought you should know.
Yarg, stress stress stress-sorry for the disturbing entry gap, but lots of stuff is occurring, or will be. First and foremost, my grandfather on my father's side (meaning my German grandfather) had a stroke yesterday; he's already had two heartattacks, each time technically being dead and recovering. The problem lies in that it was bad, got better, and now things are looking very done; as in he may have to be to put into rehab, and it's also a possibility that my grandmother at least will be moving in with my family. Which certainly isn't bad, I haven't had much of an opportunity throughout my life to have very close relationships with either set of my grandparents due to sheer logistics (the closest I've ever lived to them is 6 hours, and that's with them being in Texas and myself in Louisiana), it's just things around here may begin to change very quickly; the phone's ringing off the hook with all my relatives...yeah, just a little bit chaotic. So that's the story that's currently having the most bearing on my life at large.
What have I been up to then? Easy answers: school my, still-unsuccessful job hunt, and cooking. Yes, cooking. Just recently I've gotten a couple of glimmers of hope, with a standard delivery pizza place and I'd very much like to be hired by this calzone/pizza restaurant (calzones are one of my major culinary specialties)...unfortunately, I'm not certain about spaces for employment within the calzone/pizza place, but the other one will within the next few weeks...おねがいします！ Indeed, I am in serious need of a job...I know I'll be okay, able to move into my apartment for next autumn even if I only work full-time over the summer, but any bit helps...thank heavens for the potential incoming graduation monies, ne?
Speaking of which, my quasi-official date of gradumaration from my illustrious high school is on the 23rd, at 5, followed by the almighty GRAD NIGHT graduation party that I have absolutely no desire to attend. Actually, I lack desire to attend either of the events, but I've little choice in the matter...but the problem is the Grad Night. See, one must purchase tickets to this event, and they're not cheap; I had toyed with the idea kinda idly when my mother asked if she should purchase me and ticket and I absently agreed. $70 later I realize this was a very bad idea, mostly because of a problem I've been reluctant to address on this blog before but will now: my high school friends. No, there's no fighting or anything, but I think they feel that I'm ignoring them and now as a result feel hurt, and perhaps a little angry. The fact of the matter is, what is occurring is what always occurs at the end of high school, when you and all your respective friends go your separate ways-except I did it by myself, and one year early. Certainly, Bak-chan is enrolled in the same program I am, and at the same university as well; however, she took classes at the high school and never stuck around the college much to socialize...anyway, I feel resented and my idea of the best cure for this is my traditional reaction to many things, one I'm not particularly proud of: avoidance. They generally behave nicely to me the rare times they do see me, but there's a palpable difference-for one, we don't have the benefit of common experiences anymore, they're functioning in a different environment than me, the same one they've been in. Hopefully I'm coming across as condescending, because that's not the intent-my attending university now makes me no better, it's class just the same, it's just we don't do the same things, have the same friends, really see each other...and sometimes when I talk to them, they want answers-why I haven't called, why we don't do anything anymore; and quite frankly, they don't want to hear the answers I give. So I'd rather just avoid it altogether. That's another reason want to hasten to find employment, if I can rustle together the funds to pay back my parents for the ticket than I won't be obligated to attend...
Speaking of the problems with my friends, there's another, new, expensive facet: on August 13th, I scheduled to go see Cirque du Soleil's Dralion show in Seattle with them; I ordered my ticket a little bit late, so I have a front-row seat. Which ordinarily would rock mightily, save for the possibility that I may get brought up on stage or something similarly humiliating (plus that Erik Karol is no longer with them, the replacement best be smashing), but I fear it's going to be a very uncomfortable outing...gah. My family accuses me of "throwing away" my friends, but I'm just trying to avoid and unavoidable conflict. Not to mention other complications, but...blah. Yes, I sincerely wish I hadn't purchased that Cirque ticket, because this is going to be one colossal trip of third-wheelship, which is exactly what everything has been like since around December or so: feeling in the way and unwanted. And I'd rather not be. Perhaps if I ever thought ahead these sorts of things would not occur.
My newest hobby at the moment is...Cyrillic. I haven't managed to learn it all, but I'm working and it's fun, though confusing, as certain letters are in appearance the same as some English letters but they make completely different sounds: for example, "P" makes the "r" sound, "H" makes the "n" sound...yeah, confusing, Japanese at least hasn't that. So far I can read and sound things out slowly and badly, though I haven't studied any of the Russian language itself; the actual reason for my random studying of Cyrillic is that I checked out a book from the school library the other day on Serbo-Croatian and was distressed to find that if I didn't know Cyrillic it could be a trifle difficult...so yeah, Serbo-Croat I 勉強する。 Ain't it grand? And this is all a preface to my master plan, hunting down a college textbook of Czech, so I can converse with my (Czech) grandmother...actually, speaking of Czechishness, I was speaking to her on the phone and discovered that I'm not ethnically Czech: I'm Moravian, which came as a surprise to me. Sure enough they lived in Czechoslovakia (in the Slovakia area now), and they ARE Czech, they're just Moravian. How strange...indeed, I'm always on a mystic quest to find a people who look like me, seeing as I'm sure at least a few of ye have seen my chronicles of "Let's Guess Sho's Ethnicity", which has recently featured Chinese, Native American, Portuguese, Brazilian, and Arab, just to name a few (none of which are correct, by the way), but this has not helped me...
Geography class today was distressing. The class itself is World Regional Geography, and we're studying South America...today we learned of the awful coup by the Chilean military of Mr.Allende which put into place Mr.Pinochet...and was also informed that it was a coup of the Chilean military and the US CIA. Yes, I am aware that the US government has been involved in many a horrible, unforgivable thing in the name of the economy (in this case, it is QUITE inexcusable), perceived national security, and a host of other things, but I wasn't aware of this (I can be a rather ignorant sort) and it angered/outraged me. Severely. Indeed, it's sad: the US government dangles bags of money in front of my nose for education, money that would very effectively erase all of my monetary/educational woes, at least through the first degree and a half, but for the price of surrendering my right to morally make decisions...I cannot fathom assisting in something so loathsome, so obviously ethically reprehensible, as my JOB-understand that no amount of money could make up for me hating myself, feeling as a tool for an untrustworthy government with a conspicuous agenda...oh well, at least here I haven't been tortured/killed/"disappeared" for my speech...yet.
I've come to the conclusion that I really really hate the North. Today is May 7th, right? Well, at least in this time zone (Pacific) it is. About 3/4 of my way to school, I notice about 1-2 inches of SNOW on the damn fields: SNOW. 雪。 You know, that white crap that falls from the sky that looks pretty for like 5 minutes before the irrational hatred takes over? Yeah, that stuff, it's here, and myself, having the nerve to think it spring, have removed my coat liner and was wearing a thin bright turquoise (strikingly unusual for me, I'm almost exclusively a wearer of black, for a variety of reasons) blouse...Matt was kind enough to offer me one of his monstrous (him not being a terribly small guy) lined flannel shirts, so I donned it as a makeshift coat liner and proudly paraded about with it sticking out from under my coat. Trust me, it was awesome, particularly with the blouse.
...ah well, alas I need to eat. That's another that's been strange lately, my eating habits...some of you may have picked up that I'm feeling more than slightly stressed at the current moment, and that reflects in my eating habits; basically the frequency of it drops like a rock at such times, and this is one, my hunger pretty much just dissolves and I lose a desire to eat. Matt interprets it as scary, as part of my intrinsic inexplicable self-destructiveness (thanks to the looming threats of insulin shock and the remote possibility of ulcers eating through stomach walls), but I dunno...so now I eat not for hunger, but for blood sugar levels and to appease that always-ornery gastric volcano, and then I go to read Lord of the Rings, I'm nearly finished with The Two Towers...I'm out.
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