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Things are good for me, relationship-wise with my significant other. Very good. We're in a long-term relationship, which will more than likely end up permanent, provided both of us work hard enough and want it badly enough. So why am I so close right now to destroying all of it? Matt wants me to be open with him about my problems, happinesses and sadnesses as well, which is what I desire too. Both of us just want the other to feel as if we're someone they can go to, you know? It's a simple thing, really. This evening I lied. I called around 11:45ish, and then feigned sleepiness to get off the phone and as an excuse to mask my voice, which had it's characteristic huskiness of when I cry. An annoyance, that. Naturally Matt noticed my voice's obvious difference, but I played along, saying that I was merely speaking quietly as to not awaken my sleeping family (at least that portion is truthful). He asked me numerous times if I was okay, perhaps because of conspicuous pauses where I'd have to breathe for a couple seconds because I couldn't breathe normally without giving away my true state. So I said I was. Because I don't know what to do right now, and if I told him what's troubling me, then he would try to decide for me. Basically, the problem is the same one that this relationship vaguely bloomed out of, the same one I've had for the past two years that will not rest. It's less awful at times, relents a bit. But tonight it was just too acute, and perhaps I've finally, truly, broken. This problem, which should not come as a surprise to anyone, is Japan. No, not Soba interestingly, he doesn't really figure into the equation anymore, and that's okay; I hope he has a good life, and I say with utmost seriousness, I wish nothing for him but the best. But it's Japan. It's not something I can explain very well. Call it what you want, mock me all want; I'm not an otaku, people, I don't love it for that. I fit in there, due to the sole reason that I do not, if that makes any sense. Allow me an attempt at clarification: I don't fit into my home country due to ideological, personality, psychological, and a whole host of other reasons. I can't fit into Japan because I'm not Japanese. It's that simple. Not that there aren't scads of other reasons why I don't fit in there, but this one applies absolutely to all foreigners. For some reason, despite this, it feels better to me. And recently I've been bombarded constantly with thoughts of going, more than likely due solely to the season, to the inevitable and irritating nostalgia. The other night Matt and I were discussing the future, and he mentioned something about "holding me back", referring to academic possibilities, bringing up the situation if I was given say, a full-ride to get my MS in atmospheric science (which I plan to do) at the University of Washington, which would involve a move and potentially cost him his future career, and I summarily told him I would politely refuse such a thing. And now that I think about it, I've already done that. I could've gone to Kansai. Even if I hadn't, I'd be at a different school, perhaps in Canada or some such. So with all this suddenly beating me in the head, I'm forced to think of a Matt-less life. And it's so sad, because I was on the verge of breaking up with him once, for a reason which I at the time interpreted as for his own good, and it was nicely up there in my list of Top 10 Emotionally Painful Events. So I guess I'm deciding, Matt or Japan. Because I can't have both, and for some silly reason I'm willing throw my life away there. I wouldn't have any prospects. I'm a high school graduate with one year of college completed and no credentials of which to speak, there would be nothing for me. I'd last as long as my money, and after that, I'd die. Relatively unavoidable when one cannot eat. And even if I did survive, it would be in a sort of self-imposed exile from humanity, a self-inflicted punishment for hurting Matt, who I know would recover. And you know what the sick part of this is? This indisputably insane idea actually sounds vaguely reasonable to me. A childishly perverse portion of my personality even thinks it's humorous, a crisp slap to the face of anyone who's ever told me I had potential or that sort of rot. But I can't, and I won't, because I will not separate from Matt. I chose him over Japan, and it's to stay that way. Besides, it's natural, with my existence being validated by other people, which is perfectly okay with me. It's seems natural enough and suits me fine, so don't waste any of your time or effort telling me how it's wrong. It's how I am, it's how I want to be, I have no intention of changing this about myself. Blimey, at least I HAVE a validation of existence. So what was the point of this entry, besides airing my foul emotional baggage to the world? Because I can't talk about it to Matt, because I fear he'll try to separate from me for my "own good", which I more often than not don't really give much thought to, and so I'm left with this blog to speak to. Which is okay. It's not that I don't have other friends, I just don't wish to discuss this with them, because it's ridiculous and stupid, and it does dangerous things like make me question my relationship with Matt, it's value...such a thing is priceless. Which would make sense why I'd be willing to do such a thing, my nature seems to be innate contrary, not from any form of nihilism or such. So anyway, I'm already regretting writing this, so take it as you will. I just wanted to talk to someone, and my recent withdrawal and annoyance with the thing known as a "social life" prevents such things.
PS: Oh, and yeah, I know, great entry. Really great.
chronos
Ekairos
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