Kanashii yoru dakara, saigo no yoru dakara~
01.12.11
E21:50
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Music o' the Entry: "Gekka no Yasoukyou" (Live Version), Malice Mizer
According to notes from the band members on the official site, Malice
Mizer has disbanded. Here's the translation, if you can't read it:
"Following letters from the band members:
After a long 2001, Malice Mizer is suspending their activities as a
band. Though Malice Mizer has had a 9 year music career based upon
their unique concept, the four of them are all in consensus that they
will now be temporarily stopping so the members can each develop
their own, unfettered ideas. From here and onwards, we ask that you
welcome and watch over each of their paths.
As a vocalist, I have only been officially with Malice Mizer for a
year and some months, and though it was a short period, it is an
irreplaceable and important time to me. The things I received from
Malice Mizer are, as an artist, not only a place to perform music,
but a chance to meet all sorts of people, from the fans who supported
us to the staff members in the band. Mentally, they gave me ambition
and perseverance, and I think they taught me a new way to overcome my
difficulties.
I don't want to waste what I have learned from Malice Mizer and
everyone, so I intend to find another place and continue singing.
To everyone who cheered us on, I truly thank you.
And from here and ever onwards, I pray that you will continue loving
music, continue living, with pride in your hearts...
Klaha
Without a path or clear idea of ourselves, we've come 9
years...they've been 9 frantic years. Without stopping or looking
back, we were alway searching for something new. With all the great
emotion, shocks, pain, and joy we've shared with all our fans, we've
crafted this unique world... Malice Mizer is something I think of
with pride. I think each of the members will continue on with
independent projects.
Kozi
With each repeating melody we play, as we paint this spiral our
shapes change.
~exploring our memory~
Yu~ki
In these 9 years, we never looked back, only pressed on forward.
Meetings and partings, moving moments, painful moments... there was
all this and more, We were able continue the band without any
hitches, but that is because of all the people who supported us.
Creating music is the meaning of my life. Taking in all the feelings
of those who loved Malice Mizer, I will be seeking something new and
shocking, and I will continue creating music.
Mana"
...this is the e-mail that greeted me a few moments ago. No, it's a not a rumour, I visited the official site myself because I didn't believe it; my favourite band has finally gone and joined the ranks of X-Japan, of Luna Sea...who's next, L'Arc~en~Ciel and/or Pierrot? Ye gods...am I being overdramatic? Probably. But dammit, this was, this IS my favourite band in the world, and I was so happy that they were still together, unlike X, who is not and can never rejoin...oh well. Am I angry? Not really, heaven knows the members certainly shouldn't feel obligated...do I feel sad? Very much so. How grateful I am now that I got to see them this summer...I don't really feel like talking about it now, I'm going to let it sink in. Don't worry, I'll definitely have a tributish-type entry sometime quite soon, but for now I think a moment of silence will suffice before proceeding with the usual crap.
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Okay, the end of the moment, to remember the band that owns me more than any else. Trust me, more later. Anyways, Sunday was interesting-as I think I mentioned in previous entries, I was to go shopping with two girls from a branch of an all-girls Japanese university that's situated in my city (the main school is in Nishinomiya, not so far from Higashi in actuality), and did indeed. Actually, I fully intended on going myself, but my mother needed to do some shopping as well so the four of us went. I had met one of the girls, Hiroko, previously, seeing as she had come to visit my university's campus where the special English (ie, Mari, Satoko, Koshi, Morio, pretty much every Japanese person who I know at school, save a couple) students showed these girls around. However, they were a person short, so Satoko very quickly nominated me and I hooked up with Hiroko. Also coming with us was her friend and dormmate Junko, who I hadn't met previously. I'm pleased to say the excursion was lovely...their English is...questionable, but understandable. No, not on the level of any of my Japanese friends at school, but it's better than people at Higashi (not taking into account Yuri, of course)...still, it was enough for me to have to play translator a bit for my mother, but I think I performed admirably, and I was able to communicate fairly decently. Actually, it wasn't just us, I quickly discovered at the mall (we visited a mall and a 99 cent store, at their behest) that approximately half the students at their university were apparently shopping at the mall that very day, thus we frequently stopped in the middle of the hallways and chatted, annoying the crap out of pretty much everyone else. I got some distinctly odd looks, being the only non-Asian, much less non-Japanese girl in the group running around babbling in nihongo gleefully, but oh well. When we were walking we stopped and talked to this one group of girls, which curiously contained a Japanese boy (remember, all-girls school) who promptly ran up and started talking to me. Rather cute actually, his name is Hiroyuki (sorta like Yukihiro only not really! Uh, yeah...::cough::) and he's a 21-year-old student at a school in Vancouver (UBC by chance? Crap, I didn't ask...), from Kyoto, and was there to visit his sister. We happily ignored the other girls, rambled on about Kansai goodness, when finally after about 5 minutes all parties decided to part...heh, when his sister was (literally) dragging him away, he yelled across the hall in Japanese that he wanted my number. I didn't quite comprende at first, as he WAS yelling, but then I figured it out and just yelled "Eeeee?" I mean, "Hell yes!" isn't all that appropriate for some occasions...you know, now that I think about it, Hiroyuki looks a lot like Mr. Kanda of Ashitaba fame...darn, I knew I should've gotten his number -_-;...but yeah, we all enjoyed hanging out together, Junko and Hiroko even surprised me with some cute little omiyage. They unfortunately fly out on the...14th (or 18th, wasure), but we exchanged addresses and e-mails so I plan to talk to them. Yes, Sunday was fun. Oooh, I even got to check out new books at the church library, this month's selection including "Out of Darkness", about a former medium-turned-Christian and the other one is about the colossal evils of secular humanism and how to combat such foul black demons as gay rights. Plus, it teaches you have to do YOUR part to stop secular humanism. Indeed, this ought to prove nice inflammatory entertainment...know your enemies boys and girls, know your enemies...I read many chunks of the medium book (they had a book on Satanism there, but I didn't get it, seeing as half the church thinks I worship the devil anyway, no need to give them something they could undoubtably skew as "proof"), and it's interesting if nothing else, particularly about the nature of ectoplasm. Do I believe in ectoplasm, the paranormal? I'd like to think I don't, but I dunno...behold the curse of agnosticism, never an absolution because such a thing isn't possible. So yeah, that was Sunday.
Before I go any further, I suppose I should talk about the somewhat disturbing social...situation I enigmatically spoke of last entry. Any guesses? No, oddly enough, it's not Koshi. Oh, it's better and weirder than that, it's...Matt. Yes, Matt. ... ... ...are we understanding? ::laughs:: I don't even want to say it, but yes, I am attracted to Matt, very much, and am not liking it all, it's not something I want. The reason I speak of this as so disturbing is it's not something I saw coming by any stretch of the imagination, not a bit. So, I suppose you're wondering now, "Well gee, did you just have some marvelous revelation?" Not exactly, but lately we've been spending quite a bit of time together, roughly 3-4 hours everday, either just by ourselves or with other people too. Lately we've been going and hanging out at his house often. No no, nothing's "happening", we just talk and play video games, pretty much. Yesterday I got to experience firsthand the horror that is the voice-acting of Grandia (in English, the pain the pain), and we concertly beat Xenogears, the whole Deus thing, whereas today we just talked for hours, about the strangest things...just asking each other random questions, because we're so disturbingly similar. Well, in everything except physical appearance-I'm 5'6", dark curly-haired, olive-complected, and female while he's 6'5", blondish, very fair-complected, and male...but after that, things start to get moderately odd. He speaks in a manner very similar to mine, complete with Japanese speech conventions (though not as many), odd sentence structure, uses the same words, says things own him...in short, I never thought in a millenia or three that I'd stumble across someone who speaks Sho Dialect, much less someone who'd developed it independently...we read the same books, play the same games, same CD's, are giant nerds, can read Japanese (though his kanji knowledge is vastly superior), have the same bloody FURNITURE in some cases...we have that thing Yuri and I had going on, saying the same things before the other does, like some sort of freakish brotherhood of nerds psychic bond...but the problem lies in I'm not exactly sure what he thinks of me, and he's one who's bloody prone to ANNOUNCING what he thinks. Today when we were leaving (him to go to the library, myself to my vehicle. Speaking of my vehicle, I am PISSED-today I parked in the pay parking lot, which has a new fresh layer of snow on it, thus preventing me from seeing the parking lines, nigh the number of my spot. Since I couldn't figure it out, I just decided to screw it-I mean, how the hell are you going to pay if you don't even know the slot?-and was greeted with a $13 fine on my windshield. SCREW YOU!) he laughed, saying he wondered what Yuichirou thought of us (meaning that Yuichirou lives with Matt. When Matt and I came home, we hung out in the living room for a while before retiring to his much warmer room [their house is a freaking igloo and it's a rare occasion indeed that I'm NOT cold], in which Yuichirou made a hasty retreat from us...)...no, we didn't "do" anything (oh no. Oh, did I forget to mention that my parents' solemn command to me about college was to under no circumstances visit the house, dorm, or dwelling of any male? Oops. Yeah, I think the approval rate might be a little bit off for this one, to put it mildly.), but I suppose it looked peculiar, seeing as we didn't come out for a goodly length of time...I wonder what Matt told him? Hell, I don't even know what's going on...I do know that I'm attracted to Matt and I have an inkling that the feeling very well could be mutual, but ::deep breath::...imscaredofrejectionandidontfeellikeexposingmyself topossibleemotionaltraumaand/orpossibleweirdnesslaterinthefriendship. ::breathes:: You understand? Of course, things are weird enough already, he knows quite a bit about me, some things that perhaps one or two other folk know...why am I telling this person I've known about a month these things? And why is he telling me things of similar nature? I just don't know. I can hear some of you now, "Sho, you fickle ho, what happened to Koshi? You've been talking about him nonstop and suddenly this guy you seemed to previously almost dislike is now a factor, a major scary factor. What gives?" Koshi...I think I elaborated last entry about the situation with Koshi-yes, I'm attracted to him, with due cause, and I am friends with him, but there's something intrinsic missing. "But", you counter, "if the void is Soba, then why is Matt so darn special? He can't very be Soba either..."...and you're absolutely right, there is no way that Matt can be Soba, he's nothing remotely Soba (at least that I've observed). But oddly, it doesn't feel like anything's missing. It's also worthwhile to note that I know Koshi is going to be upset about the permanent separation from his quasi-girlfriend. Whether she actually is or not, she's still a very close friend of his regardless, and it's gonna hurt...he'd need time even if I do decide to do anything...yes, "if" I do, I'm debating it right now. Because right now I can't get Matt out of my head. And it's nothing like Koshi, I've never had that issue with him. With Soba, absolutely, but this isn't like Soba. You know what this actually reminds me of? It reminds me of something horrible I did that I believe I chronicled here, how I met Nathan (see the cast for details, as usual)...I had already singled him out, just didn't have a reason to speak to him...so I met his brother, who I subsequently became good friends with. Yes, I was disgusting enough to try to use Nathan's brother to get to him, not one of the proudest moments in my life by any stretch of the imagination...and how I did I meet Koshi? Well, let's see-saw him first, singled him out, saw him sitting with guy from Japanese class (Matt), go up to guy from Japanese class and basically bs in order to get introduced to Koshi. Well, isn't that just peachy, how very appropriate that this is happening now...it's so strange, because I've never met someone who I share so many things with, so many very weird obscure things...we like to say things with odd obscure references to all sorts of things, just to see if the other can place it, and they invariably do...well, what do you make of this grand mess, minna? And the question here is, what should Sho do? I'm just terrified that if I do something stupid, wrong, prematurely, everything will all go to hell...and I'm scared of being rejected, my track record is far from good, far from almost anything positive...the craziest thing is how did this even happen, I've barely known him a month. I can hear you all now, Soba redux...and I assure it's not. It's not ANYTHING like the Soba situation...but then again, now that I look at it closer, it is, in a fashion. Disturbingly, worrisomely, similar...no, it's not the same at all...oy. ::smiles wanly:: Any takers? I don't want to break anyone, or anything.
So yeah, that's what I was talking about, why it's so strange and freakish to me...I wasn't attracted to him initially, but now that I'm getting to know him I am, more and more distractingly so. Yarg, no more.
Okay, next subject-HIGH SCHOOL! Yes, I indeed bowed to my tragically "desperate" counselor's wishes and attended homeroom on Monday. It went pretty much as I expected-crappy. However, I did receive the pleasure of getting to see a number of people I hadn't seen in quite the while, including my locker partner, who is awesome. My teacher was quite surprised to see my person skulk in late in true Sho fashion, and promptly dropped the infamous Senior Project Book on my filthy little head, which informed me I had a research paper due on the third of next month. Uh, did a collective "WTF?!" just emerge from the audience? Yes, I think so. Great, so I have to figure out what I'm going to do...blissfully, Bak-chan's information was incorrect, so I'm probably going to continue with my original nefarious plot and do it on the Tao...still, how many books can you read about that subject? Nick's (he will be added to the cast shortly, check whenever) gonna bring me the Tao te'Ching (or however you spell it, an anathema against both the Pinyin and Wade-Giles systems), but it's just a small thing...great, so I gotta decide. But in other news concerning my brief visit to my high school, I saw him, "him" being Beautiful-child-in-math-class, whom I hadn't seen and who had purposely avoided since returning to the US, as the sight of him has the unnerving habit of dredging up memories that are better kept down. But not just memories, he has the unique ability to not only call these things to the surface, but also to invoke the emotions tied to these memories, in a goodly portion of their original state (keep in mind these are Soba related, hence it's all quite traumatic)...I knew it was possible, that it was going to happen; heaven knows I think I wanted to see him, just to see what would occur, despite that I had a very good idea of what it would be like...and no, I wasn't disappointed. He's in Bak-chan's same homeroom, as are TheWiseOne, my ex-boyfriend, and several other people I'm happy to associate with...I was talking to one of my friends (my socialistic comrade) when he strolled in and that first wave of nausea washed over and nearly took me down He looked at me briefly, as he used to see me on a daily basis, whether or not we spoke, before turning away. I had stopped talking to my friend by this point, who attempted and successfully guessed what was going on (to a point)...happily, Bak-chan hauled me out of the room before I could get really sick (balance was wavering, feeling like puking and crying simultaneously), seeing what was occurring...exactly what I said would happen. Now I wonder what would've happened had I been able to meet Soba at his home with Ueda that day before I flew out...I had said that it was quite possible that I would reacted physically in a negative way, and this only confirms that (though that situation would've been exponentially worse, it's not something I want to think about)...it's not good, because the first image that flashed into my head was of the kankuru, the Brass Club competition...when I gave him the letter, when he said goodbye, when I fled. You know, whenever cats are in pain they often flee and hide, trying to escape whatever's hurting them...in that situation I knew if I didn't rip myself away immediately it'd only get worse...but I wonder now. So yes, that was my nice emotional trauma and unusually violently vivid memory recollection of the day. Other than that, high school was high school: It made me appreciate how much that I get to go to the university instead, thank you taxpayers; I don't know, something about the entire atmosphere of the high school...it makes me want to retch, it's something I'm so happy I can escape from. A pity I'm bound back for there next week.
So how are finals going? Yes, I'm still in the midst of them, but today is the one day I have that I don't have to study. As reported, today I had my Japanese 201 and geography finals. Yesterday when I went to school in the afternoon, I was determined to come home at 5 at the absolute latest, in order to be conducive to studying. That didn't quite work out, as I got home at 7:30 (gee, guess where I was) and didn't begin studying until 11ish...I ended up studying until 2 last night, which was a Bad Thing, as I had to awaken at 6 for an 8:00 final. I was late, as snow had fallen and traffic was bad, but what worried me the most was the quality of my driving-I was so sleepy I'm surprised that I made it without causing harm to myself or others. Thus, my first action upon arriving at school was to purchase a fine triple-shot caramel latte, and then proceed onto ye olde nihongo final. Which incidentally went fine-there was one thing out of the entire ordeal that I had a question about, and I dominated the kanji thing, yokatta. Indeed, I'm now officially done with nihongo for the quarter and don't have to worry 'bout a thing. The test itself consisted of a kanji section, grammar (naturally), listening, and...Yan-san. No, I'm not kidding, we did the baseball video. Heh, gotta love drunken Kato-san, I don't know how that man's wife stands him, it's revolting. Still, all is well in the land of nihongo. Later today I took my geography final, which wasn't AS easy, since I had to actually think a little. I wouldn't say it was difficult, just anal, since I had a write a ton and as a result my hand no longer functions properly...at least I can honestly say that my cramming helped me...but it's over, all is now officially over, save for my East Asian History test on Thursday, which is essay in form and non-comprehensive in variety, yeehaw...then I will have successfully completed my first quarter of college. Weirdness. But yeah, things are all okay in the realm of finals. You know, it's actually a lot less evil than mid-terms, because with mid-terms you don't really have a break to look forward to afterwards, you still go to class everyday as usual...
But yeah, that's what's going on over here in the magical world of Sho, once again beginning to assume it's all-too-familiar shoujo-manga-esque shape, yay. Tomorrow I'm thinking of writing up a FAQ, since I'm sure much of this is confusing to the populous at large...I know I'll have time, all I have to do is study and bake a pumpkin pie. So anyways, I'm out of here-the caffeine from this morning has finally worn off (the only thing I've been running on today, bless Thomas Hammer Coffee Co.) and the screen is getting blurry, so we'll see what tomorrow comes up with. Oh, one more piece of good news-my credit card actually worked this time, and my order from CD Japan should be arriving by the end of next week at the absolute latest. Yes, it will own me...indeed, more musical babbling too later...'night, all...I leave you with the lyrics to "Gekka no Yasoukyoku", very possibly my favourite Malice Mizer song overall. The lyrics aren't really all that meaningful or poignant, like the rest of the stuff that gets put up here, but they seem appropriate for this evening.
nanika ni michibikare,
mori no naka wo aruiteta osanai boku wa
fushigi ni mo tada hikiyoserareru mama ni
furui koya ni tsuita boku wa,
hokori ni mamireta
yokotawaru PIERO ni ki wo hikareru
kare wa kanashisouna...
demo ureshisouna kao wo shite,
"yashiki ni tsuretette" to
namida wo ukabe boku ni dakareta
kaidan no noborinuke,
hikari wo hanachi kare wo matsu shoujo no ningyou to
otagai ni mitsumeau
*kirei na yoru dakara... kanashii yoru dakara
yasashiku waratte mimamotteageru
samishii yoru dakara...saigo no yoru dakara
kore kara mo futari wo
hanashitari wa shinai kara
tsuki no hikari wa karera wo
odoru karera wo utsushidashi,
kabe ni utsuru sugata wa umarekawaru mae no mama ni
mitsumeau futari wa "saigo no yoru"...to
tsubuyaite
kono yoru ga akeru made atsui omoi de odoru
kirei na yoru dakara... kanashii yoru dakara
nakazu ni waratte mimamotteageru
samishii yoru dakara... saigo no yoru dakara
kore kara mo futari wo mimamotteageru
kirei na yoru dakara...
* repeat
wasuretari wa shinai kara...
futari wo wasure wa shinai kara.
-"Gekka no Yasoukyoku", Malice Mizer
chronos
Ekairos
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