Floundering in a void.
01.08.29
E21:34
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Music o' The Entry: "POSE", hide
Alrighty, Sho is back once again to write for all ye, after a delightfully refreshing 6 hour nap; ah, the wonders of jet lag, desu ne? Gods, I feel like some sort of otaku, sitting here in my pajamas, my desk with so much crap on it (mostly CD's and their accompanying paraphernelia), the sun setting, only my banker's lamp on, my clean except for a suitcase with ravaged contents (thanks to my wild searching for clothing this morning to go to school)..yeah, I'm an otaku. Oh well, so sue me, I'm a very happy Sho to have her own computer back again, despite the distinct lack of Japanese-text writing abilities, but I digress.
"Good Morning hide", L'Arc~en~Ciel
Can we tell I'm enjoying my MP3's once again? OH YES. Currently, I'm trying to hunt down as many of the songs that I could stand as are currently on the Oricon and Yusen channels, because I miss Japanese radio-I have to listen to *ew* American music now. No, actually, I don't hate American music, I just seem to find a lot more Japanese and other foreign music that I like besides American. Perhaps it's because my exposure is fairly limited to mainstream, and I'm more of an eclectic creature (My Cirque du Soleil CD collection is only rivalled in number my Laruku and X-Japan CD's, and I don't even have all of those, respectively. Or I just listen to plain WEIRD stuff)? Nandemo.
So yeah, I went to school...waking up at 6 was a moot point, because I had awoken at 2 anyway and couldn't go back to sleep, so I just stayed up and read the issue of Electronic Gaming Monthly I got while I was gone. Although I'm slightly pissed, I can't seem to locate the one with the Yoshitaka Amano cover, and I WANT that thing, bloody hell. Oh well, I probably just need to dig through that pile of crap (my mom saved me the birth announcements section of the paper daily because I like to collect names, and my mail is mixed in, soo~). Back to our semi-regularly scheduled program, desho? Anyway, got dressed for my first day of school-I wore a plain black shirt (actually a black version of the white shirts I usually wore with my Japanese uniform, they're nice and sexy, love 'em), my ever-present pants, and of course, my boots. Also got to put on makeup for the first time in 2.5 months, and was pleased to discover I can still do it relatively decently. No, I'm far from a professional makeup artist (VERY far o_o;), I don't even wear that much, but it looked okay. Had hunted down a recipe for that yumful Broccoli & Cheese Frittata I ate on the plane, so I had it for breakfast. Bak-chan picked me up at 7:10, and off we went.
School is...the same, although it's becoming more ghetto. This is expected, because my school is going to be demolished next year because they're in the process of building a new, so very gradually they're taking it down-over the summer, they ripped up the asbestos floor, and so now it's a very ghetto grey-painted cement. How lovely. Saw everyone, most of them didn't notice I was gone-how very appropriate. But hey, I don't care, I'm in the US, I can enjoy my anonymousness again instead of sticking out like a sore thumb with my weird hair. Ah, my hair-apparently, I had neglected the colour, and so the colour(s) have become...interesting. The bottom half is a very dark, nearly black, brown that shines red in the light. The top...is pink. No, I'm not kidding, the purple/red degenerated into pink (THIS is what I get for using hairdye meant for Asian hair when my hair is distinctly NOT Asian >_<;;), and then there are some new roots growing out...oy. Quite the multi-coloured one, my family is even now ASKING me to dye it back to black, just so it's one solid colour, but that's no fun now, is it? I find it funny, because originally my family was vehemently opposed to black...hell, it took me years for me to convince them to LET me dye it black in the first place o_o;. Okay, off my glorious hair colour tangent, back to my school day story. First things first, we went to the counselors' office so I could see if we had any Japanese exchange students; unfortunately and oddly, we have none this year, so Sho has no one to practice her nihongo with, how tragic. Still, we DO have some students, although the majority are from eastern European countries (lots of Russians), some Germans, some other countries, and a student from...Azerbaijan. Whoa. Okay, I'll have to make a point of meeting them-I do not know any Azerbaijani, so it sounds like fun. There's also someone (I dunno the gender ^^;) from Thailand, so I can go meet them too...yes, I have fun with exchange students. Maybe because I can identify with the, on a scale...leaving the counseling office, I am greeted by the sight of...Beautiful-child-in-math-class. Oh boy. Here we go again, EXACTLY what I needed in the morning. I suppose I should've expected it, seeing as he DOES go to school there, but still...I could've used a warning, because it hit me between the eyes. It's not just him, although it could be-he's absolutely stunning, IMHO, despite that not a lot of people share my opinion...no, it's because everytime I see him, one thing zings unbidden into my mind-"SOBA." And right now my feelings regarding the beautiful unattainable Japanese flautist are very very volatile and roiling; I'm still reeling from my desperate and in the end futile attempt to see him one final time, grasping at straws. Because I know Soba is truly and utterly gone, closed to me forever; my head knows it, but my feelings...refuse to acknowledge such a thing. And I'm having a hard time dealing with it, because I don't let go of things easily in ANY circumstance, much less this one. So I just looked at him, my eyes got wide, and I walked past as quickly as I possibly could...he looked at me oddly...but it's painful to see him, because everytime I look at him, it's seeing an American version of Soba. I realize they're not the same person, but I know damn well my subconscious doesn't; I've had so many dreams where he's engaging in a distinctly Soba-ish activity (a la flute playing), that it's horribly obvious that my subconscious melds them into the same person. It's not impossible, after all the reason I first noticed him was because of his resemblence to my muse and I guess I felt that he was the closest I could get to Soba for the time being, a "replacement", if you will. Yes, I realize exactly how crazy this sounds, but I'm admittedly obsessed with Soba, and the mind will do strange things to cope sometimes...so, the morning kind of bit in that respect. Easily recovered, then strutted over to my homeroom class to talk to my teacher about getting OUT of my retarded brain-dead homeroom and into the one where I SHOULD be; unfortunately, she said no. But at least I have Nick the Stoner to keep me company, he's intelligent and engaging...went and visited Bak-chan/Kel-chan/TheWiseOne's homeroom, and it was all fun and games...until BCFMC walked in. Luckily, it was quite late, so had an excuse to turn tail and flee...TAP was as meaningless as it usually is. Got my student information sheet, and for once they got my gender correct, I was highly impressed. Basically, today they were just recapping rules and all that necessary BS...oy, my class. These are the people who refuse to sign the student rules sheet solely on the basis of rebelling or protesting, because they think it makes them look cool. People, if you're really into protest, do the world a favour and go find some political cause that you can really make a difference in, NOT this; it's so childish. I swear, THESE are the people who make me weep for the state of humanity, always such a joy ::rolls eye::...after that, got out of class, and went to band for the day. No, I'm not IN the class, but I stayed anyway, and spent all period telling Sadie about my experiences with various and sundry Asian boys (how I miss them), much to her delight; also whipped out some lovely v-kei pictures showing precisely how lovely Klaha is. Sometimes he takes very crappy pictures, other times he's completely gorgeous...not necessarily biseinen/andro like the wonder that is Gackt, but still lovely nonetheless. After band, we went home and I went to sleep.
No, not a really eventful day, by any stretch of the imagination, but hey, that's what it was. Life back in the US...is different. I'm getting better at speaking English naturally to people (I referring to that even the rhythm of my speech patterns had changed, not just the inclusion of various Japanese words/phrases in daily speech; that HASN'T gone away), I'm eating burritos instead of rice (thank heavens, I was getting very sick of rice)...and I'm missing Japan. No, we didn't hear that coming. I'm missing Yuri, Japan, everything...and Naoya. Yes, Naoya, who's an ass who prefers his TV to me. Why? Because when I was upset (because of some reason other than himself), Nao-kun was the only person who would comfort me, by either holding me or letting me just use him as a cushion...and right now, I'm upset. I imagine it's exacerbated by the fact that I'm on the rag and get scarily emotional, so maybe it's not really as bad as it seems; actually, I'm sure it's not. But right now I'm feeling particularly angsty, and not enjoying it one bit...for some reason I have this incredible want to call Soba. And I very easily could do it, if I chose to. But what would I say? Goodbye? Bloody hell, I'm already GONE-it makes no sense, you can't say goodbye when you're gone...I just want some closure. Yeah, I got closure in Japan, but not the closure I wanted. And what I wanted was something that wasn't wildly painful-I don't think that's so much to ask. But no. I went to Japan, I saw him, it's OVER-isn't it? It has to be over. Now, I just have to convince myself that it's over. Some people have already asked me if I fell in love when I was in Japan. And my response was, "No. But there are some things I cannot forget." And that's the truth-I will certainly never forget Japan (seeing as I'm going back there), and I will never forget Soba, I'm not capable of it. Although sometimes I wish I were. I know I have to move on; I took a chance, and it was unsuccessful-that happens sometimes, a lot of times, but I can't dwell on it forever. No, I never had a relationship with him; my obsession with him is more because he's my muse, such a valuable precious creature, than anything. But it's so bloody hard to convince myself. Damn you, Soba.
Well, I need to go-I've been cloistered in my room all day, and I suppose my family wants some confirmation that their daughter is indeed alive, so I'll shove off-more later as I gradually make my re-entry into the mainstream of American life, despite how I feel disconnected from ANY sort of life at the moment. Gotta go job-hunting tomorrow, pay back my debt...wish me luck, minna-san; I need it. Ja ne~
chronos
Ekairos
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