What's going on (or I'm not completely nuts).
01.12.17
E21:58
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Music o' the Entry: "Scars of Time", Chrono Cross
Hooray, for I get to write again. Yes, contrare to popular belief, I write and maintain this thing because I like to, not out of any sense of misguided obligation (well, generally speaking), and thus I am happy when I have a chance to write and when I want to. Anyways, typical excuse for long break: was too busy with other things, namely writing e-mails to various folk (if any of you have received an e-mail where you just wrote for writing's sake from me, you know what I mean) who need it. Oy, that reminds me, need to do Christmas cards...my cards aren't usually all that Christmas-y, this year being purchased in benefit of some animal rights organization, the front having a starkly beautiful arctic background.
Speaking of the arctic, did I ever mention what I was looking so forward to as a zoology major? The University of Guelph (where I intended to go what feels such a long time ago) has a rather splendid zoology program, and they offer field studies to the tropics and the extreme northern/southern areas of the planet. Naturally, I was frothing at the bit to go study arctic ichthyology, seeing as the creatures that do reside there are quite special indeed. Yes, you can definitely tell that Sho is missing her intended major, a pity I'm too much of a bloody idiot. Japanese is good, I just can't seem to fathom what I'd do with a degree in nihongo...of course, it might be easier than doing so and being an ichthyologist, as there's such a demand for them. Le sigh. For some reason I've always found the still, almost death-like beauty of the arctic regions far more enchanting than the blaze of colours of the tropics, not precisely sure why...I suppose it's because Arctic beauty will supersede the tropics, tropical beauty is so fragile and living yet the Arctic is cold and dead, unchanging (I think we can tell that I get a kick out of frozen planets & moons)...ahh, the beauty of death. Actually, death isn't beautiful-death can be and is hideous. But taken as an abstract concept, it can be one of beauty. Of course, abstractly, mathematical concepts can be things of great loveliness themselves...
So what I have been doing since my break? Not really a whole lot. Today was my most productive one thus far, I got up, talked to Matt on the computer for about 3 hours, got dressed and embarked on my job hunt/shopping expedition. Currently, my family is exerting quite a bit of pressure for their wastrel of a daughter to seek employment, and I'm grudgingly conceding. Do I want a job? Absolutely. Do I enjoy finding one? Not at all, I personally find the process of application quite humiliating and hate it like I hate very few things (speeches, being in the public eye, and visiting the dentist come to mind). Thus, today I applied at Wendy's and a Chinese food place in the mall. Happily for me, both look promising, but that doesn't mean anything-I've had an instance occur where I was hired but the bastards FORGOT to tell me until it was too late, which resulted in extreme unhappiness and frustration on the part of Sho. It's further augmented since virtually no one is hiring this late into the holiday season, they already have too many folk...but I hope this works, I reaaally do. I'd personally like to work at the Chinese food place the most, seeing as I'm a Chinese food freak, despite having finally recovered from a bout of Chinese food-induced food poisoning when I went out to eat with Matt and Yuichirou.
Ah. Matt. Fun subject, I suppose it's time to elaborate and explain precisely what on earth went/is going on, since it was a bit sudden by any all standards (in actuality, I'm more surprised that it didn't occur earlier). Alrighty, the last time I said anything coherent and that made sense about him, I said that I'd discovered that I had developed an unwanted attraction for him, to the point of distraction and that I had gotten the notion in my head that there was the slightest possibility that it could be mutual, but that I didn't want to think that, it being a wildly dangerous thought. After the international organization party that we all attended, I went to Matt/Yuya/Yuichirou's house at Matt's invitation, as I had nothing else to do besides go home (since I couldn't find a place to crash for the eve). I was a bit taken back with this, as at the time I still thought that Matt disliked me, if anything (if you're confused, go back a couple entries and read up on the whole possibility of myself leaving the group because of Matt). Well, the following (last) week, I basically spent at least 5 hours at his house everyday, mostly just talking and doing approximately nothing. And thus the distraction grew, finally culminating in the events of last Thursday evening. I had felt that he'd been prodding me for a few to admit my feelings, which I naturally kept closely, paranoidly guarded, and wasn't all that honest about. Thursday was pretty much the same as everyday-finished up my finals, found Matt, and felt he was being kind enough to humour a strange girl into hanging out at his place for an extended period of time. That day was just a build-up of what the previous ones had been, a growing fog of tension that was thick enough to slice with a knife. Finally, when we were talking, he asked me point-blank what I felt about him. I looked down and told him what I had told him earlier, that I found him distracting (which is true)...he asked if it was just distracting. So I decided to screw it and told no, that I liked him, there, you got me to say it, are you happy and finished? He replied he was and that he liked me as well. After that, and for the rest of the evening, we discussed ourselves in probably the most hilariously detached and objective manner I've ever heard anyone discuss such things, it was almost inappropriate (though effective). So we decided to give it a shot at a relationship, hence I am now his girlfriend. However...I'm currently having some issues regarding this. Two, specifically, and both relating to exactly you're thinking as you groan now: Soba. Yes, he even managed to disappear from my head for a couple of days (an unheard of occurrence), but came back with a vengeance yesterday evening. The fact of the matter is, I'm more comfortable with Soba, for the stupidest reason: Soba doesn't like me. My life has always been like this, a series of relationships where I have feelings for one person and the other (as far as I know) does not. And no, I'm not trying to throw myself a pity party, "Oh poor Sho", I'm simply stating a fact: this is how it is. And it's comfortable now, it's what I'm used to...thus, I'm at a loss when confronted with a mutual relationship, I almost DON'T want him to like me, just because it'd make things easier...I've never had to deal with this before, because this isn't the way things are supposed to happen. Then there's the entire issue of Soba...I don't really know if anything's changed. But I have come to a couple conclusions: I do not want to hurt Matt in any way, form, shape or fashion, and the very fact that he's made himself this emotionally vulnerable to me gives me a crapload of resposibility. Secondly, if I do not take this opportunity, than I bloody well deserve any all unhappiness and angst I reap from it. So I'm going to on with this, for Matt's sake, because he seems so sincere that it hurts, and he was to deal with emotionally screwed-up baggage-laden me, a girl who would rather be in emotional turmoil because it's familiar, not like this frightening unknown territory. And because I like him, and I cannot continue to be scared and run away from new situations, just because they're uncomfortable-in this game, people get hurt. Yes, I genuinely do like Matt: he's sweet, hilarious, can actually understand me, and shares so many interests with me it's downright disturbing, not to mention we can talk for hours without getting sick of one another. Then of course there's the whole issue of mutual attraction, demo...but so that's what's going on. Well, not exactly-after we'd decided to make a go of it, a quick glance to the evil clock revealed that I had about an hour before I left, so we just talked for a while, enjoying it while it lasted, because currently Matt's 150 miles away and I won't be seeing him for about 3 weeks. Yeah, great start to a relationship, ne? Thus we're communicating through e-mail and the glory that is MSN Messenger: behold, the nerd couple in all their glory, and loving it. So yeah, that's what's going on with Matt. There are a couple other complications, such as my age (he's 21, I'm 17, making the entire thing slightly less than legal), but otherwise everything looks promising-I just can't wait until he comes back. He may be able to come back for New Year's, so the entire group (including both of us) could hang out together. How odd, the two token non-Asians out of a group of nihonjin hooking up...
But before we continue on with this, here's a survey, since we haven't had one in quite the while, from Alruhi:
What do you think of when you hear the word...?
UPSIDE-DOWN - blood rush
INTERCOURSE - Gackt
POPCYCLE - Epsicle
TORNADO - Alabama
POTASSIUM - banana
IGNORANCE - bliss
SPEEDO - Neighbor mowing the backyard
TURKEY - tryptophine
MONK - Gregorian
WATER POLO - Men
MUSIC - IT OWNS ME!
PILLOW FIGHT - Pain
MILLI - Deceased neighbor in Louisiana
CONDOM - Weird orgies
FRUITY - Izam
MISSION - Impossible
UNDERSTANDING - mental drugs
DATE - laughing
HOLY - Special Holytime Prayer
PRINCE - The Artist Formerly Known As
MAKE UP - Mana
INTERNATIONAL - Tasty Japanese boys
ARROGANCE - Republican
PEANUT BUTTER - calories
WHITE - deodorent
CODE - HTML
POETRY - corny
LOL - AOL
INTERESTING - the nice word for "freakish"
IMPOTENT - My truck
BRIDGE - My fair lady nearly drowned.
COASTAL - hurricane warning
WEDDING - Billy Idol
FOREVER - X-Japan (Forever Love~)
MILK - Sickness
BUBBLES - Hungry clown game
RANDOM - Matt's car
FRIENDS - aitai
SECRET - Hikaru Utada
INSECURE - Myself
ZOO - snow leopard
SPRING - sakura
AFTERWARDS - exhausted
LIFE - bitter
Massive amounts of excitement, ne? You know you love it.
Well, let's see, in other news...well, there isn't very much. I'm currently very elated for Misha-chan, who will be escaping her psycho host family to go live with Rika-chan, Yuri's cousin's, family (if you're curious, go visit Misha's blog or dig through my Japan entries), whom I know and who are very cool. Indeed, very happy for her, hopefully she'll be able to live and love Japan and Nishinomiya as much as I do.
Oh, I mentioned I did do a bit of shopping today, didn't I? Be proud my children, for I returned home bearing PANTS, pants that fit, pants that are a size smaller...! I thought I'd never see the day, particularly since the pair I was wearing today kept on snaking lower and lower down my hips, to unwanted nether regions. And they're not blue jeans for once, they're black (I'm hearing a collective groan from those of you who know me; please don't tell me you expected any less?). Still, my grandest purchase of the day was when I strolled into Electronics Boutique, combing through the pre-owned games shelf as I always do, and finding a copy of Ogre Battle for PSX for $25 that CALLED to me; myself, of course, being the spineless RPG-loving freak I am, was more than happy to oblige and thus I shall be playing it come my birthday, which is incidentally when I become legal and my boyfriend is no longer a pedophile as far as the law is concerned (I should really run around in my schoolgirl uniform just for effect). Not really sure when I'll have the time though, I'm still working on Kartia (played this evening), FF1 (which is on hiatus for the time being), will be getting the FFIV/ChronoTrigger combo for PSX for Christmas, and now this...when it rains it pours, ne? Oh, I also stumbled across some previously unknown Christmas money and thus the Square Vocal Collection will soon be headed to my house, hopefully before Christmas, yeehaw. Oh, and let's not forget the limited release of Final Fantasy X, which is...tomorrow? Hooray for a lack of Playstation 2. Oh well, Matt's already played through the Japanese version (he's a bit of a kanji god, ina) and says it rocks, though I haven't really asked to be spoiled much thus far...
Oh, speaking of kanji fun, I'm involved in mounds of it. Alrighty, Yuri and I were talking via e-mail, as we always do, when she mentioned that Kazuhiro, one of the otaku in her class, had given her his e-mail. I asked if I have it to e-mail him and have some fun practicing Japanese, seeing as it allows me to study AND freak out a Japanese high school boy at the same time, always grand fun. She was only too happy to supply it, so last night I constructed and sent him an e-mail, entirely in Japanese...at the end, I told him to go easy on the kanji, as I'm not that knowledgable...well, someone apparently wasn't listening, so now I have to forward the bloody thing to Yuri for translation. I can actually understand quite a bit, it's just he got a little kanji-happy on me. I was quite surprised, the lengthiest letter I've received from any of my Japanese classmates other than Yuri.
Ah well, this entry's getting boring, so I think I'll bail now. More tomorrow, hopefully more interesting...
chronos
Ekairos
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