Where does forever lie?
01.12.08
E01:14
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Music o' The Entry: "Niji", L'Arc~en~Ciel
Indeed, I have fallen back on an old favourite, the song that single-handedly sold L'Arc to me (yes, I like it that much; blame the beginning, it's grand), from the lovely heart album...ah, the halcyon days of yore, when I was barely stepping into what would grow into an unholy monster of j-rockish bliss (keep in mind X-Japan was my first love, I didn't even know Malice Mizer existed...indeed, the visual kei came a bit later)...good CD, give it a listen if you get a chance. It's not my favourite overall anymore (seeing as my full L'Arc~en~Ciel collection consists of the heavenly, heart, ark, ray, and REAL albums, plus the "Shinshoku ~lose control~" and "NEO UNIVERSE SINGLES", as well as the Chronicles video. Oh, factor in Clicked Best Singles 13 for Christmas as well), but it's still a bloody good listen.
Obviously since I'm writing from home right now, I didn't go to the party. Well, sort of-I didn't go in part because it didn't happen. Yep, it got cancelled because another guy was having a bigger party...I did end up going to one though, one of the international associations had a party so the "group" (Mari/Asuka/Koshi/Matt/Jun-chan/Sho) attended, and it was cool. Not anything wild or anything, no alcohol, but it was fun...save for the fact that I learned something...odd about Koshi this evening. Koshi is...afraid of balloons. No, I'm dead serious, as bizarre as it sounds, the boy's genuinely afraid of balloons...naturally, Mari and Asuka used the opportunity to it's fullest to torture him so Matt and I decided to be nice and grant him our protection...poor Koshi, it's sad, really. I met this one guy from Spain named Lucas, who asked me where I was from. Normal enough question, I s'pose, seeing as it was quite the multicultural gathering, so I told him I was from Louisiana, not precisely certain how in depth he wanted to get...he seemed surprised, saying he thought I was from Portugal. Uh, what? Care to run that by me again? Yes, Portugal...I've mentioned before that most people have the damndest time trying to figure out what exactly I am (Not exactly "white" yet not really any other accurate category to be filed in), and thus quite the assortment's been thrown at me, including Irish (partially correct), British (again, partially correct), Canadian (uh, no?), Native American (possibly, though not sure), Chinese (Are you smoking crack?), Japanese (WTF?!)...no, on the last I don't mean offence to anyone of those descents, it's just I don't think I look remotely Asian (well, possibly very very vaguely, but that'd be a stretch) and if you ask any Chinese or Japanese person if I look like such they'd laugh at you. Funny, how now one ever supposes what I actually am...still, Portugal, it's quite odd...gotta add that to the growing list. But so yeah, it was fun. I was planning to try to stay over the night anyways, but I couldn't find any place to crash so I decided to stay there until 9ish (scary public transportation) and ended up hanging out at Matt/Yuya/Yuichirou's house until then. It was fun, besides being destroyed by all the above's mad Tekken 3 skillz (so sue me, it was my first time to play it! Oy!) and having to turn off the fire alarm courtesy Yuichirou doing SOMETHING to some poor French toast o_o; (flambe?). I got to see Matt's illustrious CD collection, which is somewhat similar to mine, save that I do not actually own any full Final Fantasy soundtracks (indeed, as strange as that may sound, being a game music whore, I don't) whereas he certainly does. He was kind enough to let me borrow his Xenogears CREID CD, which I've listened very briefly to and decided promptly that it owned me; good stuff yo, Yasunori Mitsuda is a god (not to mention rather cute and wears splendid hats), plus it's so very Celtic, it thrills my soul. I didn't really care about the Japanese versions of "Stars of Tears" or "Small Two of Pieces", as I much prefer Joanne Hogg's voice to the Japanese vocalist (she has virtually no power at all, where Ms.Hogg clearly does), but some tracks on there...wondrous. I think part of my reason for being so very fond of this CD is that some pieces and/or tracks bear startling resemblances to Suikoden music, particularly from the excellent Orrizonte arranged album, which we all know I love so dear. Perhaps this is what shall come, gotta listen to it closer. Maybe a review will be in the future? Probably, it's a short CD (which would be my only objection to purchasing it), so look for it sometime before the end of next year.
It was actually nice hanging out at Matt's house, since I didn't really have anywhere else to go-Koshi was having a very small (like, 3 people, counting himself) party at his house, Asuka went home, and Mari went to her dorm...surprisingly, we seem to get along because we're very much alike (a prospect scary as hell); he said that I was like a younger female version of he...well, sometimes we get along, if you recall quite recently he was the reason I was going to potentially depart from my group...today we sat for about 3-4 hours in the student union building, just sitting and talking, not moving, it's like we're becoming an institution or such. Today he also noted that something about the way I dress strikes him as Goth. Really? I don't deliberately try for it (usually), though I suppose it could give somewhat of that impression, lots of black and dark colours (except the occasional brilliant orange), I tend to hide my face behind my hair to a point...or perhaps it's merely atmosphere? I dunno, perhaps one day I'll get myself all decked out in full gothish regalia and see what ye think...so yeah, I'd say today was good, besides being very long (I got home at 11 this evening, that's a hell of a long time when you get to school at 9 AM), it was nonetheless enjoyable...
Aorah, there are many assholes of unbelievable magnitude in this world: congratulations, you just had the dubious embittering pleasure of encountering some particularly fine and vivid examples. Fuckers, such people anger me beyond belief...of course, notice how when they run out of arguments that make any sense they rely on utter and bizarre tripe..."You don't like Jews, you're a Nazi?" Uh, no, I think that'd make you anti-Semitic. Not that you are, because I know you're not, but just because one doesn't like Jews doesn't make them a Nazi, a little more error on the part of this woefully misinformed ignorant little shit who manages to invoke my rage, yet I've never met him (that's pretty good, I usually reserve that for political cases. Of course, this is one...)...I love it, having to exercise that oh-so-masculine bravado of the threat of violence, devout little preacher's son (remember kiddies, only imply adherence to a religion when it furthers your arguments!)...a pity his moronic sycophants were there, because they give such things positive feedback, makes them feel like what they said was all intelligent and "badass" when in fact they made hysterically funny, pathetic idiots of themselves (unfortunately, only a handful of folk every seem to realize this)...still, that's crap. I applaud you for standing up for her; it needed to be done, even if you were ridiculed by some creature I truly hope doesn't reproduce. Don't let it get to you; remember, I'm the tree-hugging pro-abortion pinko traitor Communist Nazi atheist, tantamount to the antichrist in some circles (or at least I've managed to inexplicably obtain these titles, despite that very few of them have any truth or are being grossly twisted to suit the others' needs), and I have been called a Satanist as well (uh no, a bit off)...
Kind of a trippy little thing, I've apparently been linked and listed as a favourite diary by Belovedjojo, something I really didn't expect-thank you, it's terribly flattering, regardless or not if I understand why...must do some reading now...
Oh, more fun at school today. When I came home last night, my mother had taped a note to my PC monitor, saying that my advisor from the college had called me, needing to see me. I was slightly surprised, seeing as I didn't have a reason to see her that I was aware of, but I did anyway...and the first thing she tells me is that my high school counselor has been "desperately" trying to get a hold of me. Gee, for such a "desperate" guy, calling my home MAY possibly be a way of reaching me, doncha think? Bastard, he hasn't done a bloody thing, he just threw it on her...anyways, she said that he demanded I go in next Monday to my homeroom and talk to my teacher about the Almighty Senior Project. I spoke to Bak-chan of it, and she apparently it's been altered slightly, instead of just doing anything we have to do it on a career that interests us that we know nothing about. That right there should indicate to you something about my school, nigh district-IT MAKES NO SENSE. Generally, I'd think it's a fairly safe assumption to make that if one is interested in a particular occupation, they'd seek out information on it...? Apparently not according to my school's crack-smoking logic, if you can call it that. Thus, I have to abandon my plan to make a sort-of inoffensive political statement using the Tao as a subject and will instead due a gruesomely, sickeningly in-depth presentation on the occupation of a mortician, just to be cheerful. Yes, I do my best to endear myself to my teachers. My homeroom teacher especially, she has sort of a love-hate relationship concerning myself; our homeroom consists of many folk who could best be described as "brain dead" (at least that's the most complimentary term I can muster at the moment), people with no drive, who aren't living, they're just there-high school is a social joke to them (well, high school IS a joke, but these are those who live for the social aspect of it, which I deliberately fled from)...so she's fond of me in that sense. However, in being one of the few students who cares, I'm also rather crude and vulgar at times, morbid, wear a lot of black (which is apparently A Bad ThingE, don't say the Pledge of Allegiance, have a very strange sense of humour (as I believe most of you have figured out), as well as a myriad of other assorted grievous offences...thus, she doesn't like me (wait until she hears I haven't ordered my graduation robes, ouch...I will, but I have no hesitation in telling her my very clear opinion of the entire ordeal)...so I'm sure she'll embrace this. Oh well, I'll be amused, it could be fun, dead bodies and embalming fluid oh my.
The past few days have been rather emotionally tumultuous for me, as Ye Olde Feminine Hormones have been working their annoying selves, and I've honestly felt like breaking down and crying about the stupidest most inconsequential things. I've managed to fight it off thus far, and think I'll be fine...but is it better just to get it over with? Perhaps I'll feel a release of all my frustrations, those festering faultily-sealed not-fun emotions just waiting for an excuse to erupt and spill over the surface. It's been reflecting in my relationship with my parents, who aren't too thrilled with me lately...menopause will be magnificent.
Favourite quote of the day from Japanese class: some guy said he was going to do something "by the skin of my balls." For some reason I found this a wildly entertaining phrase, and it will in turn be a permanent addition to the always diverse Shousetsu Lexicon.
Things with Koshi are going...okay, I guess. I don't know if things will ever progress beyond this stage, or if I really want them to anymore-I'm very happy just being friends with him, and if he has any interest in me other than purely friendly I'm not seeing it. Not that I ever supposed he did in the first place, certainly not...I like Koshi, that's definite, both platonically and in a more carnal fashion...however, it's not a passionate thing, there's something missing, and I unfortunately know exactly what it is; the one thing Koshi can never be, that nearly no one can be...is Soba, something only Soba, who is gone, can he himself do. It's an excellent and most curious question as to how such a strange, such a wildly inappropriate person could come to find a place on a pedestal of my devising and seem to not be able to be moved...I don't know, I'm seriously pondering if this is (meaning Koshi, in a decidedly less-than-platonic sense) is even worth an effort (which has not yet been exercised) of pursuit, if the truth of me is elsewhere. But what if the truth of me is forever elsewhere? Sometimes I truly wonder if I didn't die over the summer, I know I never came back...maybe it's because I know if I do do anything, it won't be until Koshi comes back from Japan, without his quasi-not-really-girlfriend, if I do indeed decide to. But the drive just isn't there...and I know it has nothing to do with Koshi personally, he's an overall amazing package: utterly hilarious, bizarre sense of humor, quirky, pretty, speaks English AND is willing to give me Japanese help, is a good listener, sweet...it's just a matter of me being stuck somewhere and not seeing a way out, yea not wanting to...
But I'm out of here now, I'm dreadfully sleepy and it's my younger brother's 15th birthday today/tomorrow, dakara...anyways, hope all of ye have a fine weekend. No, don't worry, I'll be writing more this weekend more than likely, though finals ARE coming...and yes, those of you who I'm to e-mail: it WILL happen, just a wee bit more patience...g'night, all.
it doesn't mean much
it doesn't mean anything at all
the life I've left behind me
is a cold room
I've crossed the last line
from where I can't return
where every step I took in faith
betrayed me
and led me from my home
and sweet
sweet surrender
is all that I have to give
you take me in
no questions asked
you strip away the ugliness
that surrounds me
are you an angel
am I already that gone
I only hope
that I won't disappoint you
when I'm down here
on my knees
and sweet
sweet
sweet surrender
is all that I have to give
sweet
sweet
sweet surrender
is all that I have to give
and I don't understand
by the touch of your hand
I would be the one to fall
I miss the little things
oh I miss everything
it doesn't mean much
it doesn't mean anything at all
the life I left behind me
is a cold room.
-"Sweet Surrender", Sarah McLachlan
chronos
Ekairos
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