There is such a thing as too much chocolate.
02.05.12
E20:33
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Music o' the Entry: "The Real Folk Blues", Cowboy Bebop
Once again the unsquelchable influence of Matt is felt, manifested again in his fondness for the works of game/anime music goddess Yoko Kanno. She's hasn't quite ranked up there with Mitsuda yet, but the fact that I'm mentioning her and Mitsuda in the same sentence should mean something in itself.
Good news all, family hasn't yet carted me off to the shrink nor mailed me to the nearest eating disorder clinic, for which I am glad; apparently it's the seemingly now ever-present bags under my eyes which make me look so awful, and if I actually get 8 or more hours of sleep I don't look like death warmed over or such. Still, they commented on it today at lunch and my hackles rose...ah well, safe for now, I'm glad my paranoia has thus far seem to be just that. Weekend went as usual, stay at school until about 10:30 PM or so, then come home with Matt in tow, who then leaves Sunday. Actually, Friday was a little bit disturbing...upon occasion Matt and I can both be insensitive and it led to some upsetness and misunderstandings on both sides, which we thankfully worked out; we've both decided that this relationship is one of the best things to happen to both of us and stupid arguments, disagreements, misunderstandings, etc, will not be the downfall of it. Still, we've been a bit a tested recently...I suppose I'll talk about my recent issue with Matt. He's very...outspoken, about what he likes and dislikes. As I've mentioned before, I'm passive and dislike confrontation, and in the presence of a dominant personality will more than likely bow and conform to it rather than create a problem of any sort. Matt has issues (or has had, we're working things out) with my music and vocalized them. But that's merely an example, the biggest beef he has is Japan, something I don't entirely understand. We've spoken of it before, and he says his reflex against it is due to envy in some part, that he never had a chance to go. Suffice to say that as a result, he very much has a love/hate relationship with it, where the hate is more vocalized, because it's easy when one's Japanese class is populated by idiot otaku and arrogant annoying Nihonophiles...actually, I make a mistake: it's more scorn that hatred, which in mind is worse. All of us here know my opinion of Japan: it's not home, but it's one of the closest places I've found to such, and I have a wealth of wonderful memories from it...it's a very important place to me. Matt can sometimes make me embarrassed about it, sad, and recently I've been feeling embarrassed about things I like that he dislikes: yaoi, my music, Japan in general...and disturbingly, I find myself molding myself to his likes and dislikes, myself slowly morphing into a cheap inaccurate reflection of him against my will. Because I'm nonconfrontational and if I do this, I won't be harrassed, insulted, made to feel that what I like is less than worthless. In short, I'm losing me, being absorbed somehow...I spoke to Matt about this today, and it troubled him greatly, admitting that he still has quite a bit of work to do on refining his insensitive ass persona (his words), how dislikes hurting me, how I should tell him when he does...but the thing is, this is a phenomenon I wholly associate with Matt; certainly it's more pronounced, thanks to my relationship with him magnifying the entire situation, but it has happened with others, me shaping my likes and dislikes to suit their needs...perhaps as a result of my self-worth. Please don't mistake this as self-pity, this is not a "Poor Sho, she sucks" discussion, this is simply me talking about an issue I've been having. It's my blog dammit, I can write about what I want. But now why am I acting like this, becoming defensive? No one has said anything, no one has even read this yet, much less hurled any sort of accusation. Yay paranoia once again?
Ah well, have to run, my uncle has just arrived from Texas, back in a few.
chronos
Ekairos
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