Music o' the Entry: "Moon", Turn A Gundam
You know, I seriously think that may have been the longest time I have gone without updating. Not that I didn't try, I just get chronically interrupted, computerish evil occurs, or some other idiotic thing to get in my way, you know the drill. Yeah, sorry about last entry's rapid devolution towards angsting, but it needed to be said and things have since resolved themselves, to a point. Basically, my mother and I began fighting again about my housing situation next year. Here's a quick summary of those of ye not in the know: Due to a series of events that are entirely her fault and choice, Sho will be attending neither the University of Guelph, University of British Columbia, but instead a regional university, the very one in fact she has attended all this year. This is due in no small part to money, reality, and Matt, not necessarily in that order. So sue me, I'm happy. This was not intended, seeing as University is located in the most awful college town ever. Well, perhaps "awful" is too strong a term, but I recall an event from autumn quarter in Japanese 201, in which sensei asked one guy in his class to describe what he thought of the town and he responded with "chiisai shithole desu", which I think it highly appropriate and needs no more elaboration (we're just going to disregard all the crap I've spewed on such already). But yeah, the deal is school is approximately 35 minutes for myself. Currently, I live at home, still being a technical high school student, and a very much broke one at that. School is difficult to get to, but transportation is quite frankly annoying as hell. Pair that with that my family and my's relationship is, generally speaking, tenuous at best and we can all see where this is going. But yeah, anyway, we talked and if I work full-time in the summer (which I shall valiantly attempt to do), then all shall be well with the world and to Chiisai Shithole I shall move. Oh, another major factor in there is the good old-fashioned yearning for independence, which is a bit difficult to explain to my family, as they seem utterly devoid of it. I'm serious, my mother didn't move out her house until she got married (at age 21), and never really wanted to. My father did, for electrician school, but that's because it was 90 miles away. Basically, they take my desire for independence as a personal offence, while not correct, isn't exactly incorrect either. Sigh. But anyway, not a problem anymore (barring the whole employment thing, given my status of blacklistedness and whatnot), so on to happier topics.
Or perhaps not, in relation to "happier" news-I got my braces on. Before when I went in to get my spacers (awful little chunks of plastic they cram on either side of your back molars to slip those big mother metal things around them later, just as much fun as they sound) I had voiced my doubts of the merits of the procedure, but I caved in, solely on the basis of dental health. Hence, I now have braces, clear ones on top and silver mini-braces on bottom and holy crap do I feel deformed and repulsive. Yeah, I'm starting to doubt the merits of them period, thanks to the presence of a new and shiny canker sore and some places where I have grooves developing in my flesh that were not previously present. These I combat now with wads of wax and peroxide rinse, but I'm still quite annoyed. Then there's the whole thing that I basically cannot chew...yeah, I only got 'em on on Monday, so I'm still in the stage of extreme not fun, but hopefully it'll go away...it better...ah well, at the least the pain seems to have subsided somewhat, it's more coping with the whole "Help, I'm repulsive/deformed/ugly" etc etc, especially given my shallowness/paranoia/obsession with my physical appearance. Yay. Perhaps I'll post a picture sometime, the whole before and after thing.
In other news, Misha-chan arrived back in the US yesterday, fresh from Nishinomiya, and not seeming too pleased about it. As one would expect her Japanese is much improved, to where I can understand her but lack the ability to respond properly/coherently, and I am pleased of such; it's one of my regrets that I didn't improve my Japanese so drastically in time there, but it's my own fault as well. Unfortunately they lost her luggage and naturally she's insanely jet-lagged, which is not cool at all, but to all who care, she's alive and well. I feel sad for her though, a happy case of Japan Withdrawal (all of my readers who read this here thing back in the day know what I'm talking about) is brewing and it's rather painful to watch oneself in the past. Gambatte, Misha-chan, hopefully you'll finally recover (as opposed to myself, who pretty much did not) soon. Didn't get to speak to her as much as I'd like to, her mother had a pizza party at her house and so there were scads of people, none of whom I knew (other than Misha), and we all know how I am socially *cough*inept*cough*...I tried, I actually did, but another problem recently that is thanks to the presence of braces, I've become more self-conscious and dislike smiling in front of people. I always have, thinking myself a bit goofy-looking, but now with these grand chunks of man-made sapphire and metal glued onto my teeth...yeah, you get the picture. It's that I dislike her friends, I just don't know them very well and am shy so I bailed first, in part to do homework. Need to talk to that girl soon....
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****this is not mine, but pass it on, as i did****
No, I think this needs no comment from me, seeing as everything from me always ends up degenerating into some mad (and embarrassingly ill-informed) socialist rant sooner or later.
Heck, while we're at it, here are some test results:
Paranoid: Moderate
Schizoid: Moderate
Schizotypal: Very High
Antisocial: Low
Borderline: Moderate
Histrionic: High
Narcissistic: Moderate
Avoidant: Very High
Dependent: Low
Obsessive-Compulsive: High
Which is pretty much what I expected. Sort of. I found the paranoid score too low, antisocial too low, and OC/D too low, and was surprised at the narcy thing as well as schizotypal...quite surprised, actually, and rather disturbed as well. 見て下さい：
Many believe that schizotypal personality disorder represents mild schizophrenia. The disorder is characterized by odd forms of thinking and perceiving, and individuals with this disorder often seek isolation from others. They sometimes believe to have extra sensory ability or that unrelated events relate to them in some important way. They generally engage in eccentric behavior and have difficulty concentrating for long periods of time. Their speech is often over elaborate and difficult to follow.
Uh yeah, pretty good description of me, creepy in its accuracy. Pretty much the only thing there that doesn't apply to me directly and profoundly is the thing about "important events", as well as the concentration thing. Everything else is pretty much pronounced and exaggerated, particularly the "odd forms of thinking and perceiving". A fine example is my syntax, which I have described before, and that people very often cannot and do not follow my train of thought. I believe I've mentioned it before that one of my past psychiatrists (I have none now, fret not) described my mode of thinking as "A-Z", hopping randomly around in the middle as opposed to the usual "A,B,C..." thang...how creepy, perhaps I'll pay a visit to the psych dept. at college? You know, morbid curiousity, see if I actually AM crazy or not, heaven knows I hear that one enough. Besides, they're just students, they can't prescribe me mind-altering drugs or any of that destructive stuff I had with my other psychological experiences.
Heck, speaking of that, is anyone 'round these parts aware of if it is indeed possible to random become dyslexic during the course of one's lifetime? Seriously, my writing (by hand) as of late has become the strangest thing this side of the living anachronisms who run the mysterious "Special Collections" area down in the library basement, and I don't understand it...
At school, they have a bulletin printed everyday, listing things for sale, announcements, internship opportunities, etc, etc. However, they also list some of the club advertisements, most of them related to Christianity in some form or fashion. However, one caught my eye: S.A.F.E. Because it's the GLBTA (Gay/Lesbian/Bi/Trans/Ally) club. And so I decided to pay them a visit, despite some hesitation, hesitation rising from thing being my first step "out", adding "bisexual" to list of defining characteristics, though I don't think it really defines me; my orientation isn't something new, a quick review over how I've been my entire life and my attraction for both genders is sitting there prettily, though it has been ignored for the majority of my lifespan. Plus I was getting rather sick of feeling alone, like I'm the only gay person out there. Certainly I know I'm not, but I just really haven't met so many others. So I bit it and ended up talking with the chairperson today, about all sorts of things and feel a lot better now, and actually motivated. Which isn't necessarily a good thing, because if my family caught wind of this...yeah, not-good things would commence. I think. I'm not sure, my father is the homophobe of the family (my mother disapproves of them, but she doesn't seem to actively despise and disdain them), but he's one of those that doesn't believe in bisexuality; since I clearly have a boyfriend, I'm therefore not a lesbian. So I suppose I'm going to have to wait until I move out...but it's nice, getting a brief taste of what things are like on the outside, that there ARE others...for once, my bi-ness isn't making me feel dirty. Not that it does usually, not that I can really help my attractions, but generally when it comes up in conversation it concerns Matt's luckiness at having a bisexual girlfriend. Keep in mind I have years and years of Christianity forced into my thought patterns, and some things aren't so easy to erase. In the interest of homosexuality and Christianity, I encourage y'all all to read this, taken from religioustolerance.org, particularly the section about the Bible and homosexuality-it presents some things I'd never heard before, and I find it quite interesting. Actually, the whole site is pretty interesting, so give it a look (mad props go out to Matt for sending me the link, though he is currently lacking in the blog department so I can't link him. Notice I said "currently" lacking...).
Also in regards to school, you can ironically thank the Democratic Party of the United States for unleashing my voter potential, ironically. Indeed, I was wandering about, as is my custom, and the Young Democrats were having a voter registration drive so I registered via mail-in. Thankfully, the ballot lacked a party affiliation box (I'd probably put independent, despite my socio-communist tendencies. Hey, regardless of the professed ideology, if the candidate is awful, there will be no vote for him/her.), but now I eagerly await my voter registration card. Ah, the joys of not being a minor.
So yeah, that's what's been going on recently. Unfortunately school is still present tomorrow so I need to grab some sleep, and there will be no entries over the weekend, due to that Matt and I are taking a weekend trip to his hometown again, which means oishii tamales for me, which are incidentally soft so they do not destroy my soul (or archwire) upon consumption. Indeed, hooray for masa (and tripes, eek). So, I'm off, and shall speak to ye all soon. Ciao.